I have been trying very hard. It has not been easy these past few days, training and failing. I have been trying to aid others the best I can, though my aid seems to be ignored by those around me. I know there are many paladins who have tried and failed before me, those who have begun the journey, never to finish it. But it is a necessity that I succeed in this choice.
There are so many around me that have just recently begun their training as well, though they do not seem the paladin type. Those who would fly into battle without a second thought to those around them. I sigh and shake my head at these people, knowing that they will fail.
But I will not. I know that I can fulfill my choice and become a great asset to those around me. I will aid, and if that aid is ignored, I will brush it off. It is important to me, to paladins, to be strong of heart.
I am not sure, though, that I could be so strong without my Marasy at my hands. She is so different from I, but with her at my side, I feel as though I can do anything! Sometimes I inwardly giggle at the funny things she says, though I try to keep my expression resolute. Appearances mean so much these days.
Marasy remains at my side as I grow stronger, though I worry that her darkness may become a problem in the future. She seems to so enjoy those dark arts, no matter how I try to coax her from it. I do not know why she chose this path of hers, though I feel an obligation to continue loving her through all this.
She has been my strength for so long, I worry that I will lose my resolve should she leave me, or I leave her. I worry for her safety. She seems so rebellious, always finding herself in trouble. Why, just the other day I had to save her from two alliance that she had pushed to anger to the point where they drew their weapons on my loves delicate neck! She is not like those other people.
I spend a lot of time trying to cure her of these illnesses, and these dillusions, but my powers are not strong enough. Or perhaps what she is is not because of an illness at all. Perhaps she just hungers for the blood and power as warlocks so often do. I am not sure what I could possibly do for her if that were to be true!
I met a nice paladin today, as I tried to walk to Booty Bay. I had heard so many splendid rumours of the alliance and horde intermingling and helping one another. I decided I must be a part of it, but there were so many beasts in the way! I had tried to run through, only to be swiped at by panthers and tigers that were so large in comparison to myself! But another human noticed my distress and asked if he could help.
Well, we had quite the pleasant walk down to Booty Bay. He didn”t speak much, though I could tell his training was much farther along than mine.
I did not catch his name, however. How unlike me. My mind seems to wander lately and I forget these common courtesies.
Time passes so quickly and so slowly at the same time. Without Marasy at my side, time has stopped, and when I look around everything looks different. But how can things go on when I am not involved?
I have not been feeling well lately. I believe I may have worked to hard, and perhaps ignored things that would have been best should I not have. I allowed myself to be weak with love, once again, and am now grieving because of it. To think! I was so weakened by her, with her shining hair and soft curves and just barely noticeable freckles. It rips my heart apart to think of her, out there on her own. But we cannot work together. I seek the path of light, while she craves the darkest of the dark.
But I miss her. I admit that much. I have tried too hard to remain strong and resolute, but at night I crash to the bed, sobbing, and missing my dear Marasy so! Why could she not have changed and followed the light with me?
I am sorry for not writing lately. It has been so difficult for me to even rise in the morning to help those in need! I am lost without her.
I hope she is doing well. I hope she is safe.
Why could I not save the one I love?
The Caravan has noticed my missing, despite my attempts to stay connected to this world. They are such a fine group of people, I feel as though I am disappointing them. I do not intend to, but it is so hard to stick to my training when I awaken to feeling ill every morning over my loss.
I am determined however! I will attempt to get back in to my paladin training. Perhaps healing others will soothe my soul.
There was a message on the cork the other day about a poetry reading in the middle of Stormwind. Perhaps that will be good therapy for me? It may be very embarrassing. I am not even sure that many of them knew of Marasy, let alone that we have parted. How can I explain to them what she meant to me? How can I explain to them how my heart feels bruised and my lungs feel smaller and breaths are harder to take?
But I must try! I must succeed. I want to grow strong and be helpful to all of those in need. I want to heal my own wounds and grow stronger.
I just wish I knew that Marasy was okay.
In the morning I wake
To a warm, familiar smell
Only to apprehend that it was a dream
As actuality sets in
My heart seizes up and I find it a great deal harder to breath
Her fevered giggle
At the most inapt time
Used to make me feel alive
But she has long since departed
My strength followed with her
And I am no longer sure I can endure
But I must bear on
And assist those in need
So that one day
I can stand on my own
The weirdest thing happened to me today. I decided to fly out to Booty Bay, though I can not seem to remember why any more, and as I was walking from the inn, I bumped into a towering orc! Now, as though that were not strange enough, as I do not feel myself to be clumsy, he said sorry. Now, he told me he was not speaking common, and I surely was not speaking orcish, but he understood me, and I him.
We decided to go and talk in the inn, and he mentioned that perhaps it was the elements allowing us to converse, though I did not understand much of it. I suppose he must be a shaman of the sorts, since he talked at lengths about these elements. I felt rather embarrassed, not knowing much of them, myself. But he seemed kind. He decided that we should spend some time together in order to find out why the elements, if that is what is allowing this, to be able to talk to one another.
So we went to Duskwood, and indeed, he was very kind and helpful, helping me to take down enemies much tougher than myself, which led me to believe he must be much stronger than I. We went to Redridge afterwards in order to relax, though we seemed to be causing more of a commotion than anything with the amount of people coming up to us and inquiring about why I was with an orc. I suppose I would have said the same thing, earlier, though I honestly have nothing against orcs or any of the other horde races. I still can not imagine why we cannot come together to fight mutual darkness instead of allowing bad blood to come between us, though some seem to think I am naive for believing so.
But I must say, an exciting day.
I spent the night in Gorthmog’s arms last night in some run down tower in Hillsbrad Foothills. We have been spending a great amount of time together lately. I have been spending less time in the city of Stormwind, and more time in the wilds. I do not feel safe there any more.
But I felt safe in Gorthmog’s presence last night. I do not know if I should tell him what happened after the poetry reading. He seems concerned, but I do not feel that I know the words to explain to him what had happened. I still lay crumpled in pain for days. I feel safer with the savage animals and beasts of Azeroth than I do within human confines.
He is still slumbering beside me. Perhaps I should wake him…
We are resting in the inn in Booty Bay, and my head is pounding from the brew I downed last night.
I am sorry; it is very hard for me to explain the day I have had today. When Gorthmog awoke he professed his affection, and eventually, love for me. He seemed interested in becoming my “mate” as he calls it. So I felt it only fair to talk with him of the terrible experiences I have had lately. I told him of Marasy. But I knew I had to tell him of the five.
We were speaking of intimacy and though I had never been intimate with Marasy, I am no longer pure, and I needed him to know of that. I think. I am not sure why, but I feel as though I needed to tell someone. No, not someone; him.
And so I asked him to meet me in Booty Bay. I put on some nice clothes that a friend made me and waited for him, drinking all the while. We went upstairs and I tried to tell him through the delightful blur that made me feel so detached. But I told him. I did not tell him all of the details, but he seemed enraged enough not to ask for them.
I do not know much about the ones who did this to me, other than Lector, but he swore revenge on them anyways. I felt as though I would cry when I saw how upset he was, but I still feel too detached? Is that an appropriate word? I know what has happened, and the pain makes me lose time, but I do not believe I have properly absorbed what has happened.
I will now be returning to Gorthmog’s side, and hope that I can borrow his strength to get through these coming days.