I know this is a common question. It’s one of the things that people want to know. Male, female, trans, cis, gender fluid… it doesn’t matter. People of all genders, of all sexes, of all orientations may, at times, have rape fantasies.

And yes, it’s okay.

I won’t go so far to say if it’s normal, but I will say that we are all products of our environment and our environment has a very strong emotional connection with rape and violence in general. When things make us feel strong emotions, whether it’s anger or sadness or joy, we sometimes become susceptible to sexual arousal.

There are a lot of reasons why different people have fantasies, especially violent fantasies, and it doesn’t mean that you’re a violent or bad person. It means you’re a person with a desire that some might not understand, just like any other number of people with various kinks.

Males and females, however, struggle with different things when it comes to rape fantasies.

Women recognize they don’t want to be a victim of violence, that it’s a fantasy, but they might feel bad for fantasizing about a dominant person taking them against their will.

Men might feel that they are potentially dangerous, or that they’re sick for thinking about it.

Both might feel they are defective, or broken, or that this will have an impact on their relationships, like getting into an abusive situation because of it.

Rape fantasies are especially hard to cope with for men and women who want equality, and who consider themselves to be socially aware and feminist. Just because we have certain fantasies doesn’t mean they affect our outlook on other, important matters, and it doesn’t define us as a person.

So what can we do?

Well, firstly, we can be considerate of our partners and their feelings. This holds true for disclosing all kinks – and for being confided to about a kink. In a relationship there should be a give and take, and a mutual respect for each other’s sexual desires. Just because someone has a rape fantasy doesn’t mean they want to necessarily play it out in real life, but they might like to use elements of it to spice up sex.

Make sure, if you’re involving yourself in consensual-non-consent play (as it’s known in the fetish community), that you outline very clearly what you expect, and what you want out of the ‘scene’. Take care of safety, and have safe words available for both parties.

But you don’t want to have these fantasies anymore?

That’s fine, and normal. I’ve struggled with this for a long time, but you know, it’s not bad. I read a lot of dark erotica that contains rape, and I’ve found that it can enhance my sex life at times. Other times I’m not interested in it. It waxes and wanes depending on my mood and what I’m feeling, and it’s likely going to be the same for you. Many people become fixated on a kink for a while and once they’re able to explore it in a safe and consensual manner, it becomes more of a pleasant background noise.

I’m worried that it might get too real.

No matter your gender or sex or orientation, you might be worried that this is bleeding into your life outside of sexual situations. I’m not a psychologist, but I would recommend that if you are seriously concerned, you speak with someone. If you find yourself pushing the boundaries of consent, or that it’s seriously impeding your ability to happily and safely live, you might need an expert to guide you through.

This is obviously different for men and women, and will depend on the behaviours your exhibiting, such as pressuring someone into sex, using more force or frightening your partner, or simply engaging in ‘roleplay’ without letting the other person know.

Be safe, and be happy. You can have dark fantasies and still be a bright, happy person that contributes greatly to society. You can safely explore these kinks, consensually, and fulfill your fetishes privately. There’s plenty of great dark erotica literature. My partner and I write it frequently, and C.J. Roberts, Skye Warren and Kitty Thomas are well known for their dubious consent and kidnapping themes. Sexual slavery is also a reoccurring theme.

If you have any more questions, don’t be afraid to contact me through the comments or at admin@jmkeep.com